Chapter 23




Chapter 23
 
Uh oh.  My cat fish cannot visit me. "I met a half hour with the forces that would tell you. I can not come. " I have no idea what that means.  But she cannot come.  Its probably best.  I don't know how to interact with people anymore anyway.
Good news, the meeting with housing happened.  And the ladies wanted to make sure that I didn't discuss or repeat anything within the meeting.  So I will not discuss it, just that it will be several other meetings need to be had, and then another with me.   And todays meeting went well.  I was warned that such behavior can evict me from housing and I would not be allowed to live here thus making me have to let go of my job.  So, that is good news as when this issue is resolved I will take you all to Costa Rica.  And I have a positive premonition of it, so everyone pack your bags were going to the RICA!  Soon.
The schizophrenia situation is getting more and more weird.  Apparently were all psychic.  I've always had a notion of it, but I've never been good at it.  I have no reception ability of this, but apparently everyone knows what I'm thinking when I'm thinking at any time I'm thinking.  Thinking words or imagining pictures.  I had an awesome time at work today.  They made me do dishes for the last two hours and I was hopefully flirting well by spraying a hose to wet her tee-shirt in psychic talk.  I can't believe I just said that.  But, Its not like the rest of this story isn't crazy.  
Still with the harassment all day.  But the meeting had calmed me and along with the meeting was calling a counselor.  That was relieving to say the things that resulted from the incident over the phone to her.  The questions she asked of lack of sleep and suicide made me feel comfortable that maybe I am going through an extremely troubling time that she can help calm.  
My problem with this psychic talk.  As they put it.  It what I assume is yelled words across a room at me, or telepathic at me.  My problem with it is I talk inside my head constantly and so that means someone is constantly inside of me watching me think?  How come I never hear other people think and this psychic talk is predominantly one way.  Is there a way to stop them from hearing what I think.  Like I need Magnetos helmet from X-Men.  And then there is the issue of racisim.  I'm now being called a racist for the first time in my life.  Which makes me feel horrible.  
I do have the most horrible racisim story that has crippled me mentally my entire life.  I believe I was six years old.  We were living in Africa at the time.  We had a gardener, a cook, and their family.  They lived in quarters next door.  I went to an English school wearing a uniform and carrying a basket of books.  I learned some of the local language at school.  Choka-Eway.  Go away you.  and I say this to one of the helps children when I'm at home in the yard and the youngest kid was playing in the garden.  My theory as to why I said It was I didn't know he was one of the family as he was a baby never let out and about.  We had a guard too and we were to be wary of strangers.   I feel I didn't know who he was until I saw Cosmos the cooks' wife with the baby.  Its a vivid memory that has painfully followed me.  The other kids were older and we would play in the yard all the time.  I remember being so impressd when one of the older boys shot a bird down with a sling shot in front of me, or caught one with chicken wire and string to put in a wooden bird cage he had made to sell at the market.
Back to why the people here think I'm racist.  Maybe three years ago.  I was frying potato chips and One of the older black men in the kitchen who goes out of his way to make my day difficult.  A thick deep voice always wanting negative attention from me.  All the shit talk.  Planned movements to try and make me change courses as i zig zag through out the kitchen.  He wants me to bump into him.  he wants to cause a problem.   And I didn't know how to deal with it.  And boiled over and dropped a  "dumb @#$%@#", under my breath far away from anyone.  When I returned home that night there was a sour note from everyone whom I used to spend time with in the courtyard.  I was convinced that I was being recorded by secret cameras back then as the only reason my neighbors had heard me say it.  But now I'm convinced its psychic talk.  I remember.  The anger he had and expressed in a psychic fight with me as he beat the shit out of me in a day dream that night.  I'm not happy of it.  I'm not proud.  But I am honest.  Anyway, since then, and only then.  And never before.  Like the disorder of swearing and cursing randomly in tourettes disorder, shit, ass, cunt, fuck, whore...it pops up in  my head when I'm near a black person.  And thus in psychic talk I am being racist.  And I hate me for it.  Instead, how I handle it now while not paying attention to conversation,  I am screaming.  Or rather saying the words "I'm screaming…..I'm screaming…I'm screaming"  over and over inside my head.   And I feel horrible.  And want help with it.  I think its accountable with the popularity of shit talk among all the people that live here, as I feel so frustrated all the most vile curse words pop up in my head in defense when I am around any of the people that live here because they have insanely harassed me about how I should live my life the entire time I've lived here with out real conversation.  And that word is such a pathetic defense and I have no explanation for it.  Its not me.  It was never me.  But now because of psychic and my emotional troubles its making the people call me a racist.  Never, as a child would I imagine I am the person who I am now.  And considering all the other issues I'm approaching here in this writing resolving, I will put this one on the table too.
And if it makes the people happy to see me hurt as they encourage that I am racist.  I'm going to get raped in Costa Rica too.  And two more times too as we go back in time.  So pack your bags if your going.  
The side kick critic says "Why try." and my answer.  These problems were only compounding in severity.  Its going to be on the table wether we like it or not.  
The side kick critic says, "bad rapper."  My response is yup.  I did however promise a poem after we go to Costa Rica.  So this bad rapper will give you a poem which you've been squeezing me for, for the longest time.  I have no idea how it will turn out.  but it will be here and if it truly is a waste of our time I hope I'm never asked to rap again.