Crazy As Anything And Everything

On the surface, we appeared to be sure candidates for “World’s Most Unlikely Pair.” She’s a wildly put together actress who is very successful, has a 401k. I’m a reclusive artist who spends hours identifying new constellations and the meaning of life in the ceiling paint and why I have six figures of student loan debt. She has a brand new car, I have points on my license. She can strike an insta-friendship with any human not in a coma. I often pretend I don’t recognize people at the grocery store.

We are very different

And yet somehow our personality differences are offset by the fact that the same mad scientist blood flows through both of our veins. We live for the unexpected, the experimental and the subtly disruptive.

She has her hands through my hair, hands like they had a life somewhere else making rare and precious things and she says, “I’ve never been to the redwoods”… “What! But baby, we live in LA –

Three weeks ago I’m a reader in an audition. This girl walks in and bugs bunny, roger rabbit, my tongue is on the floor, my heart pops out my chest, and my eyes have exploded. She looks directly at me and ask, “Do I know you?”. Now I wanna play it cool, everything inside me is saying keep it cool, “Nah, I don’t think so”, but it comes out something like, “me - - - know - - ah – nah – I mean – (audible breath) – no” … Either way, I was gonna best reader she ever had, ever, and I was, I killed it! Now I might have stolen from casting, I might have facebook stalked her, I might have messaged her, she responded once, I tried again, nothing, and that was that. It was Tuesday, I just sold all my possessions for a dollar and I’m moving back to NY on Wednesday – I get a call from the theater – remember what you read for, guy booked a TV thing, wanna do it? … Yea, sure, I’ll find a couch, why not... Guess who else is in the show thanks to one badass reader

She inspired me in every way imaginable, and her name for all sacred purposes is where all good and great things could grow from

And she loved trees. Which is ironic, or coincidence, or natural, I don’t care, because she loved them, so she would have them. Trees.  In abundance. “You’ve never seen the RedWoods?, Never been to Big Sur??

I don’t care that I have things to do tomorrow, real world schedule and things – it doesn’t matter- I can take her, I can do it, we can do it, don’t just talk the talk Chris- walk that mother fucker, drive 6 hours for that girl- I could make this magical being in my arms smile, and seeing her smile feels so damn good.

So I called and cancelled all my appointments and rehearsals and every meeting I had convinced myself was important, everything I had planned and I actually used the line, I gotta go see about a girl –


b/c as Mark Twain so aptly put it, “There ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.” So we packed up my tent, my sleeping bag, I woke her up at 5:15 and off we went.

detail, we have a bag of mushrooms (not shitake, not portabella, the burning man kind)


It was an intense, in-your-face invitation to the unknown.

The drive is great, it’s easy; this is the test- 6 hours in a car with someone I barely know, I mean not really, spiritually bound, yes, probably, but know, know, like do I know her? The little things, how she lives? I don’t know any of that- I know as of a couple days ago she had a boyfriend, and before me, it was him, he was the one – so maybe, she finds ones…

We pull off at this highway 1 cute-as-can-be rest stop, we find our spirit animal guide – a butterfly -  and we haven’t even done the drugs yet, then on we go.


We’ve arrived – Big Sur – Julia Phiefer - The start of the world - it feels that way, like life began there – everything you know and love crawled out of the waters there…

Camp is set, we look each other in the eyes and we proceed to consume our magic goodies. We walk as one might. And we are in it- the fast forwarded version of 6 hours involves silly perm-a-smiles, tears, watching the world in slow motion, I’m water, she’s a tree, we are perfect for each other, everything is the most beautiful thing, we get it, I mean we get it, we get us, it, life, love, we are in love, I say I will always love you, she says “oh, my little poet, you are so romantic”, we are in it, and then cautious, and in it, and cautious, here we are, shouting our loves to the trees, announcing it to the earth, she proclaims to always have her roots wrapped around me, always, and the kicker- me imagining a future where I slip my arm around a soft, thickening middle age waistline and whispering that I couldn't love her any more....


It’s getting dark, (we just ate another carmel, b/c why not? b/c what if this is all drug induced? Why not hang onto the feeling a little more), the most magical sunset ever is upon us, I throw my arms out and shout, “don’t say I never gave you anything…You have given me life”

Close to basecamp now and she says, “wouldn’t it be funny if all our stuff was gone

What? Why? No? No that wouldn’t be funny – why would you think of that -  I don’t know what it was, but yeah, I just felt like maybe; I increased my pace, turned the corner and… ALL our stuff IS gone – all of it – all of it - our wallets, our phones, everything, gone, like we were never there, everything –

everything gone…. Except the car keys in my pocket and us – its all we have left – that and each other.

Not panicking, a lot of laughing – we’re really high, it’s dark, getting darker, really fast, we just discovered the meaning to life so we can’t get to upset, right? This is appropriate after 8 hours of magic and the world cracking open and realizing we are gifts to the universe.


You say adventure and most of the times you’re really just making plans. life says, “Oh you wanted an adventure? O.K., how about I steal all your shit, all of it, NOW you got an adventure. That other thing was just plans”


I ask other campers – hey! Did you see anyone take our stuff? It was a lot of stuff, I mean they probably couldn’t in one trip– nothing – you saw nothing… They politely inform us there is a ranger station 11 miles up, maybe they took your stuff.

11 miles that way - Maybe they did -

Y’all: 11 miles on the PCH, at night, in the dark, windy ass roads and shit on mushrooms is a fucking marathon. Okay, one you gotta stay focused so you don’t die, two, we cant top laughing and crying – so much crying about how beautiful everything is, the moon, the stars, I might have pulled over 14 times just to look at the stars through my moon roof, cry, laugh and smile only to push on a couple hundred yards before we would be overwhelmed by beauty again. – Seeing a moon through a moon roof is all you need to know about life

What we have lost in souvenirs, we gained in an unbeatable conversation starter… “This is how we rose in love"

You thought a six hour drive would test y’all, that’s cute, y’all want to proclaim your love, your water, she’s a tree, that’s cute… okay, good luck getting your shit back.

We pull off at this cute Inn – We speak to the hostess, tell her our situation –she tells us, sure we can keep going to find the ranger station but she doubts they took our stuff as she rolls her eyes and gives up on humanity – but not us – no way, we know this is happening for a reason, we still have hope, we’re still really high, still in love.


So, we go on, a little more focused this time, we find this large lodge, Hannah, the very sweet hostess who does believe in good things happening tells us we are right where we need to be, she points us in the right direction-


Here comes the ranger, cute as a button, baby face, ready to lecture us – he says “sir, you didn’t have reservations?” I plead, “who has time for a reservation when you just want to show this girl some trees.”… He disappears for a few minutes and comes back with all our stuff in tow – all of it, everything… And he tells us, to not allow this experience to leave a bad taste in our mouth regarding the park, to please come back… oh, we will sir, we will.

Through impossible odds, we got it all back, everything.

We are not setting up a tent, we’re not sleeping in the car, we’re going back to that cute little inn, and we’re gonna sleep so fucking well.

Oh, you don’t have rooms, you get booked months in advance, of course you do, that’s cool, we’ll find a room somewhere else, shouldn’t be too hard right - AH- ha- think again sucka -  a three day weekend, a wine festival is in town, and everything is sold out, everything!!!

I’ve driven 20 more miles, she’s passed out, I cant go much longer, what’s the lesson here life???

I see this hidden motel and I reverse in the middle of the road, I don’t care, I know I’m not dying tonight; we pull in, she runs out to talk to the front desk... You don’t have rooms, sold out, sir, please, we can’t go anymore, please… he gives us a room that’s out of order – you can’t take a shower but there’s a bed- We are filthy but yes!! YES, PLEASE YES…


Sleep. Sleep well earned.

We wake up, we make love, we laugh, we talk, its real, real life.

It’s a new day – are we still filled with this euphoric love? Is it all still magic? On the way home she says we should stop and watch the sunset… deal! So I’m trying to time it, when is it, when should I pull over… I spot this turn out that seems to go down to the water, I drive down into this path, I park… and the most beautiful sunset ever is upon us. We now know we are exactly where we need to be.

I’m at a point I never would have seen unless our stuff was taken, unless all the rooms were sold out - If I needed a weekend to know her, I got it, I now know.


Back in the car, its dark, night has come again.  No longer headed home, if we are together we are home. She says, “if we get married, we have to do it here, where we fell in love”… “IF we get married, don’t make me laugh, IF. WE. GET. MARRIED”


What I know. What I learned:


Other people keep our souls alive, just like food and water does with our body.


There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what they are doing.


And… I have never made a single mistake – Ever – I’m speaking for myself, but I encourage you to hop on this train – never a single mistake… The absurdity of us being on this planet, during this time, this blink, according to how long its existed, conscious beings, here, now, one of 7 billion- And then in my life, I have lived and worried, so much anx, worry, what if’s and saying how stupid I am or how inadequate and yet here I am – with her – I cant be anywhere else – had I done it differently, had I been more successful or wealthier – booked this job or that -  it wouldn’t be her - no looking, just trusting, that the world puts us together; Against odds, it moves mountains, takes your stuff, freaks you out, makes you live, wakes you up, reveals the truth, about who we are, these things that we never would have intended to reveal, but o are we grateful.


It’s crazy, I used to say it’s crazy, it’s crazy, crazy, I couldn’t stop referring to it as crazy, I now know, there is nothing crazy about it- magnificent yes, crazy no. Everything in our small world wants to reference something incredible, only read about in books and seen in movies as crazy, its not crazy, its real.

As real as anything and everything.


& when we can, we must tackle the motherfucking shit out of life. We gotta grab it, tackle it, sink our teeth into.

It wont always be like this, there will be Fridays and us quiet romantics will take out the garbage without fanfare. There will be the unimaginative calendar by the fridge, with all its scribbled squares of two lives being made one. The toilet seat will be left predictably up. The sink will be resigned to its load of last night's dishes.

And there is now and the beautiful boring, the way two lives touch and go deeper into time with each other.

You say adventure, most of the times you’re really just making plans. “Oh you wanted an adventure? O.K., how about I steal all your stuff, all of it, I’ll leave your car keys, with enough gas to figure it out, NOW you got an adventure. This is an adventure. This is life.”