Drugs, Love, Heartache, & Happiness

I met Jeremy in October of 2007.  How we met, where we met, and when we met was totally random happenstance. If any of the conditions or timing had been any different, we would have never found one another. After the first night of talking and watching the movie Braveheart at 5am, we fell madly in love.

Fast forward to 2009.

Jeremy and I had been together for just about 2 years when he decided to try oxycontin with his old buddy Jason.  Mind you, neither Jeremy and I were huge drinkers, let alone hard drug users.  After two months of Jeremy lying to me about what exatcly he was up to, the truth came out.  I had known something was going on and that I needed to get to the bottom of it.  One night I brought the subject up as I had a few times in the previous weeks..

"Jeremy, is something going on? You can talk to me and tell me if there is. I won't be mad, I'll be happy that you were able to be honest"

"NO! Nothing is wrong. You are just paranoid, relax baby."

"You can tell me if you have used oxycontin with Jason."

"I haven't and I am not. Let it go"

I wasn't satisfied, I slept horribly and in the morning I knew the truth I just needed to really KNOW the truth. So, I did the one thing I had never done in a relationship, or ever thought I would do - I looked at his phone. It was plain as day what was going on.  I stayed calm, woke Jeremy up and just said, "I just wish you hadn't lied to me" and I dropped his cell phone onto his bed and left for work. Naturally, a slew of text messages ensued - 

"You don't understand, Vanessa!! How could you have gone through my phone?! How am I supposed to trust YOU now"

We talked about it that evening and I told him I was mostly mad that he lied which, was actually true.  I knew very little about oxycontin and we were really young... you know, if there was a time to experiment and explore...the time is now

I tried it.  I like to tell myself it was to gain the knowledge. To know what he was like when he was high.  To see what the big deal was.  Lucky for me, I didn't see it as an awesome high.  In fact, what I remember MOST about the first time I tried it was my shock when Jeremy pulled a roll of  foil out from under our car seat and the fact that, there i was smoking a pill off of a piece of foil with a straw. Totally. Surreal.

The following months was a slippery slope in which he fell into the trap of addiction. We broke up for two months, got back together.  He had acquired a new using buddy other than Jason which was, at the time, a girlfriend of mine.  As some can probably see where this part of the story is headed. They slept together during the "intermission" of our relationship. Lied, the truth came out, I forgave them both, Jeremy and I got back together and SHE was there every day... to use with him. It sounds totally stupid on my end, why I would have put up with anything like the drugs, or this woman who betrayed me hanging around but the truth is when you are suddenly in a situation that involves people you deeply deeply care about putting themselves in danger... you make a lot of really stupid decisions as well.  

In early July 2010,  Jeremy and I broke it off for good.  I was totally heartbroken because before oxycontin - we were THE couple. I loved him still, despite all the pain and addiction. I was scared for him. I hoped he could climb out of the depths of Hell...because after a year since it all started I finally realized I couldn't help him out of that hell and I needed to get out before it sucked me in too.

For six months I was trying to pull up my boot straps and carry on with my life, all the while with a huge gapping hole in my heart. I put myself out there and dated quite a bit.  I was having fun but something was always missing and I was still so so worried about Jeremy's state.  It ate me up every minute. Any siren that I heard, any gossip, any good news, bad news, whatever... My thoughts would go straight to him and wondering if he was ok or if he would be OK. I kept telling myself, "He will come out of this and even if we aren't together...that is alright, as long as he gets better and is OK. Please, please be OK Jeremy"

I restricted him from communicating with me for a long time.  It wasn't until about late september that I felt I needed to see him just so I could confirm he was still there and not a total junkie not to mention, I missed him beyond belief. He came over to my apartment and he proceeded to unload on me anything and everything he had kept holed up inside of him about anything and everything.  He barely stopped talking for the entire hour. I knew even just talking to me helped him feel better and I decided that once a month for an hour would be OK.  He came over again in October and again for an hour he just spouted off every story, funny occurance, work situations, and some of the deep stuff. I pointed it out to him this time when he was leaving.  We went outside for a smoke and I said, "You realize since you have gotten here, you haven't quit talking?" Atfirst he was embarrassed and I quelled his feelings by saying, "No! I love it, its just really obvious you needed someone to talk to. If I can atleast be that for you - I will be"

Finally, November rolled around and I hadn't heard from him in awhile.  I was getting anxious because I realized I had become somewhat dependent, (I guess?), on our 1 hour a month meetings. I broke down and asked him if I would see him before thanksgiving. He responded with, 

"Yes, you will see me. Just give me some time. Next week"

Next time I saw him was the wednesday before thanksgiving - 2 weeks sober.

2 weeks may not sound like much but for an entire year....that was the longest period he had ever gone.  The longest I could remember was 3 or 4 days and that was in the beginning of it all. His words to me were finally genuine, sincere, and truly reflective.  He finally took responsibility for his action, something he repelled and reflected constantly while using. He sounded like the Jeremy I knew.  I could tell where the conversation was heading because I knew, despite everything, that he never stopped loving me one bit.  I knew that I never stopped loving him one bit.  The conversation went there and I fought my feelings to jump right back into his arms and be "US" again. I had learned the hard way and was not going to forget that...

I needed to protect myself.

Afterall, it was only 2 weeks of sobriety.  For the next 3 months we took it slow, seeing each other here and there. No promises or guarentees.  I needed to know that he was serious and actually himself again since he had not been himself in anyway for a good while. I made it clear that he had a lot to prove, that I had a lot of healing left, and that I was scared.

By New Years Eve, we both knew we were right back to where we should have been for the past year and a half.  He was mine, and I was his, and we were just as in love as we had always been.

Today, Jeremy is 8 months sober. Oxycontin no longer rules his life. Although I wasn't an addict, Oxycontin no longer rules my life either.  I learned a lot of hard lessons that I will always carry with me like, to not sacrifice my own morals and well being no matter what. To know that when someone is an addict, they are no longer the person you knew. That no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I couldn't make Jeremy stop using - that was all on him and always was. That it was ok that I never stopped loving him and it was ok to love him from afar when I needed to.  I learned I can't control everything no matter how much that realization hurts.  I know I did a lot of things wrong, but in the end I feel like my offer of simple love and support and nothing more was the best I could do for him and the best thing I could do for myself.  Today, my life and the life I have with Jeremy is truly beautiful.  We weathered the stormiest of storms which further confirms for me what is between us, regardless of where either of us find ourselves in the future....

He is my true love.