Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death!




You've heard of the Boston Tea Party, but have you ever heard of the Brunswick Coffee Party? I was walking into my middle school sipping my morning cup of Joe when I was accosted by an angry teacher. Acting like a member of the Al-Qaeda, my teacher demanded to know what I was drinking. It was 730am, what else would I be drinking? Her demeanor clearly demonstrated too much hostility, menopause or not enough love in her life.

She began interrogating me asking what I was drinking in my covered coffee travel cup. I answered that I was drinking a freshly ground cup of Hawaiian Hazelnut java that was painstakingly brought over the Columbian Mountains with love by Juan Valdez and his mule Conchita since 1958. The teacher showed disgust on her face as she ordered me to pour out my morning coffee like some fascist thug. I thought I lived in the United States of America, not the former United Soviet Socialist Republic. I felt betrayed, thinking why did my father fight for our country? Why did my great uncle die in World War Two? I thought the fact I knew the name of Juan Valdez's burro should have counted for something.

I asked where it was written in school policy that I could not drink a coffee on school grounds. I was told not to be a trouble maker. I was told not to question authority and to comply with the proletariat. Now my teacher was blindly preaching Orwellian Marxist values to me without even knowing she was doing so. I'm a straight A student, not some gang banger with self esteem problems. The teacher told me I should not be drinking coffee because it would stunt my growth. Stunt my growth, what was that some learned wisdom she learned from watching Reefer Madness? So, I could drink Mountain Dew laced with caffeine and sugar, but not a cup of Joe. I checked the county school boards policies and there was no mention of coffee. Alcohol, tobacco, and drugs were mentioned prominently, but no coffee.

I wrote a letter to the principal asking what school policy allowed teachers to illegally search and seize my private property in the form of my coffee cup. By what authority did she seize and destroy my private property without a warrant, writ, or any legal paperwork? What happened to the bill of rights? How about the fourth amendment? I asked about my reasonable expectation of privacy. I asked about this teacher destruction of private property. I asked about this teacher questioning the coffee drinker's way of life, questioning our supposed American freedom, and for not supporting the coffee industry during this time of recession. Until then, I've contacted Starbucks for legal counsel.