Leopard Panties

 My evangelical parents kept me very well protected during my teenage years. My curfews were ridiculous, my boyfriends were always well informed about my father's gun collection, and my ass was in church every Sunday. Normally, I followed the rules. Of course, being a teenager, I found ways to rebel. One thing that I was 100% sure about from the moment I started high school was that I was going to have sex before marriage no matter what Jesus thought about it.


I probably would have sealed the deal with my first boyfriend when I was a sophomore, but he cheated on me during spring break in Amsterdam with a hooker. So, recovering from that put me on a Christian high horse for about a year and a half which severely stunted my sexual experiences. All of my friends had lost their virginities. My best friend lost hers in the back of her boyfriend's truck in the middle of a cornfield under the most romantic starry sky. (He dumped her a week later) A friend who was in a "serious" relationship, only let her boyfriend put it up her butt because that meant she was still a virgin in her Catholic mind. And another friend had to tell her mom after having first time sex in a hot tub because she had the most epic of all UTI's and thought she was dying of a terrifying STD. So clearly, I was mega missing out on one of life's most significant experiences.


The summer of 2001 I had found THE guy. Kevin. We can say that I was unhealthily obsessed with him. He had just finished his freshman year of college and I thought he was SO hot. I had just gotten my driver's license and being from a small town with nothing better to do, my friends and I would drive by our crushes houses. Kevin lived on a cul de sac and caught me stalking him one day. I'm sure he was plenty freaked out but at the same time I was cute, young, and DTF so he put the creepiness out of his mind. 


My girlfriends and his guy friends spent that summer getting drunk around bonfires and making out by the lake. By late July, the time had come for us to get it on. But first I needed to buy some cute underwear. I had my heart set on a pair of silky, leopard printed, string bikinis at Victoria's Secret. Apparently my 16 year old brain had the same sexy lingerie taste as a 40 year old divorcee from the late 90's. Regardless, my friends were in full support and we planned a shopping trip to Erie, PA, which meant I would have to drive on the interstate. 


Once my parents got wind of this plan, they decided it was unsafe and gave me a plan B option; go shopping in town. They had no idea what it was that I needed to buy but they didn't want a bunch of girls driving an hour away. 


My bestie and I got Chinese buffet at our fav place and headed up the usual route to the local mall. We thought the heat was on in the van and not the AC so I looked down to adjust the air. 


As I looked up, I realized that I had crossed the double yellow and was in the other lane. The car that was coming towards me swerved into my lane to avoid me but in a panic I jerked the steering wheel back and caused a head on collision. My friend was taken to a hospital that was 2 hours away in critical condition but recovered. I was breathalyzed and interviewed by police but was not injured. The woman in the other car was pronounced dead on the scene.


Now, if there is a time to not cause a fatal car accident that isn't ALWAYS, it's for sure a month before you enter your senior year of high school. We were all too immature to deal with an event that is too much for most adults to handle. The kids who so wittily referred to me as "the bitch that killed" felt that I was not expressing enough remorse for my actions and that I wasn't punished enough. Basically, they thought and told me regularly, that I should have died too. This created a complex that makes me sometimes wonder if I am, in fact, not remorseful enough, that maybe my normal life is disrespectful. Then I remember that I am VERY fucked up from this event despite not being suicidal or having a raging heroin addiction. I do not drive and even as a passenger I am reminded every time I get into a car that at any moment life can go terribly, irrevocably wrong.


All of that to say, one of the most frustrating things of all of this, a fact that irritates me TO THIS DAY, is that I did not lose my virginity to Kevin. He went back to school and we inevitably lost touch, it was pre-facebook after all. 


I dealt with everything by hopping back on the moral merry go round and tried to live as "good" as possible which led me to choose a Christian college. It took me two and a half years to convince my then boyfriend to FINALLY throw it in and by that point not even silky bikini panties could make 30 seconds of first time sex as thrilling as I had once imagined it would be. 


If there is a silver lining, it's that I did buy the magic leopards a month after the accident and still wear the 10 yr old panties on occasion, however, I have yet to get lucky in them.