Misplaced Love

One afternoon a tall handsome stranger came up to me and gave me an awkward hug. We talked about family, friends, work and hobbies. I sat there smiling at laughing at all of his jokes and he did the same. Wow! Here was my bad boy, the one I dreamed about.  He convinced me to take him home, a night of sleepless sleep where I could not wipe a smile off my face.  I wanted to call my little sister and tell her, it meant so me to be accepted.

He called a few nights later and drunkenly claimed that he could not see me anymore because of my ability to not get pregnant. I just remembered heavily flirting with him and the playful look in his eye as he went for that first kiss. I had no idea where this was coming from. I argued with him making sure he knew I could and wanted to have children. This call should have been clue that he was not worth the paper that this is written on.

I was doing well thinking that way when all of a sudden I felt very lonely. I had work but that was going nowhere and I was feeling worse about it and myself every day. I had a few close friends but who was going to hold me at night and tell me that I was wanted. I just remember thinking how comforting it was to have someone was holding me, never mind the fact that I couldn’t sleep a wink with all that snoring.

So I invited him over … just as friends, to see if it was worth it. He came over and gave me a huge hug; it meant so much to me to have those arms wrapped around me again. Then I looked at him and he had a huge boner and says something like “when I see you I just can’t help thinking…” and it was with those little words he got me to bed again. 

We had a discussion about the “friends with benefits” position that we were going to have. I was so happy to finally be sexual active again; it would have been about seven years. This position was going to be open and honest and he looked at me and said “it’s going to hurt both of us when one of us moves on but it is going to happen.” No, I thought, it is not going to happen I am going to make it through this with you and we’ll be stronger than you would ever believe.

So this relationship went on for the next seven months and I ignored all “Get to the nearest exit, IMMEDIATELY” signs. He has a best friend who is supposedly head over heels in love with. She would not give him the time of day. He has a son from a previous relationship. He never got his GED. He was working a minimum wage job. That should have been enough but unfortunately it wasn’t.

We were having sex weekly; even though I didn’t want it but I knew it was the only way I could keep him around. We would get in to tiffs and break things off for a few weeks then suddenly be back in the same bed … again and again. I cannot tell you the sex was amazing or even memorable. The most meaningful night we ever had was when he told me I just orgasmed and proceeded to demonstrate what an orgasm from me was supposed to feel like to him on my finger… I felt so awkward and ashamed.

I remember one night I was in such need of approval and just someone to tell me I was beautiful. I was near him at the foot of my bed telling him how I felt. I remember looking at the ground and telling him that as a disabled woman no one would even look at me or give me a chance. I wanted to hear that they had no idea what they were missing, that I was beautiful and sexy. Instead I was told something like “I’m glad no other man wants to touch you, it just means I get to do all sorts of …” It literally broke my heart, how could a man I loved say something so cruel to me.

Of course we had the tested talk and he had been tested and everything had come back negative. If only I had known now what I should’ve known then. There are so many test that males cannot take and they do not show any signs of getting these STDs. It was only a few months after our final hook-up that I went to see a gynecologist.

I noticed these weird things growing in vagina and buttock, and so I went in and got myself in those nice stirrups’ and she looks at me and says “Have you been sexually active?”

I blush “A few months ago”

“You have genital warts. That is just a risk you take when you become sexually active.”

I looked at her and nodded my head and thought it was no big deal. It wasn’t till I got home and researched it that I discovered exactly what this STD was. I grew up extremely sheltered and no one thought I would even have a prom date let alone a hook-up. So it was news to me, we all know about unprotected sex and that it is a bad thing. I knew about spermicide and birth control but as far as I knew I could not take any birth control because of the hormones and I am allergic to spermicide so that leaves just condoms. He approached me about giving it to me in my ass, that way there was no way we would end of pregnant. In the moment is sounded like a good safe idea so that’s what we did. He loved it and I loved that he loved it, he wanted to be around me for some reason and that’s all that mattered to me then.

When I approached him for having an STD he denied it and claimed that I was a slut. That I had got it from someone else, this was heartbreaking news. I remember crying and saying that I might have been stupid but he was the only man I slept with in the past seven years. He still to this day refuses to acknowledge what he did. All I want is an apology.