Like a Stuck Pig




I'm hanging out in this seedy little dive bar on the NorthWest Side of Chicago the day before Christmas Eve. It's me, my wife who at the time was an undocumented imigrant, my friend Don, an ex- Anti Nazi Skinnhead and an internationally bestselling author, another buddy of mine Marty an ex-boxer in his early 40's, and Stephan a young artist/hipster with a bad attitude. It's Christmas Eve and we're feeling festive so we're drinking Glosch you know the big thick green bottle with the rubber stopper. Everything's going good we're having a nice talk when Stephan decides to go play a few songs on the juke box, on his way he passes these two hard boiled types and ashes "accidentally" on one of their arms, the taller of the guys like "hey you need an ash tray?" Stephan's like "Aparently not" The guy doesn't like this jumps up and grabs Stephan by the throat he's choking him against the juke box, Don see's this from across the room and rushes over as the other of the two hard boiled types jumps up Don grabs all three of them and has got em all in some kind of bear hug. I'm sitting across the room at the bar minding my own business, when my wife grabs my sleeve "Look... William, Look..." I turn to see this for some reason think oh isn't that funny someone's getting kicked out of the bar and start to saunter over Glosch bottle in hand just to get a better look, when I get close I realize it's Don and Stephan, it looked like they were wrestling like they were joking around or something I say "What are you guys doing?" They all instantly start punching eachother. I'm standing behind Don and the guy with this giant bald head is sort of facing me he's reaching for something in his back waist band of his jeans then he's get's it free it's a Metal Finish 9mm Semi Automatic pistol. "You fuck'n wit my friends?" I ask as he begins screaming something I raise the Glosch bottle up and swing it like I'm gonna mash it into his forhead and at the last second I throw it was about half full one of the sturdiest mass produced beer bottles made today that thing exploded directly on his forehead, sudds blood glass errupt throughout the room. All hell instantly breaks loose, the other guy comes rushing at me I hit him with a right, the maylay shoves me around for a moment then I'm squared up with the baldy again, blood and sudsy booze are cascading down this guys face, he's squinting and shouting grabbing at the others and I load up and swing a left hook that smashes straight into his temple, the blood spurted into a hissing mist that stained my sweater sleeve.like some pollack painting.  Then some woman in the crowded bar screams... "He's A COP!!!" The 9mm is raised slowly directly in my face, I'm looking down the barrel of a gun, a gun gripped by a guy I just hit with a supper beer bottle and a terrible left hook and he's still standing and very, very pissed off. One thing's on my side here, he is completely blinded by the bright red blood sliding down his face from his forehead as he staggers backward reaching out blindly with one hand and aiming the gun with a sweeping side to side gesture at head level. Now I've heard many stories about guys grabbing guns off people when they were un armed themselves my old man and my oldest brother both have a few, it's always been the one thing I never had a shot at and here's my shot here it is staring me right in the face. I step to him shout "Give me dat!" reach out and just when I'm about to snatch the thing outa the guys grip I'm pulled back by a bunch of guys trying to break it up. My wife grabs me "William! we getting out of here right now!!!" I nod and we start for the door when we get out there I realize Don and Marty are still inside and I rush back in and shout "Who ever is with me get the F out right Now" I look across the room see the Bald Cop he's got thegun put away, he's staring at me the blood all cleared out of his eyes he glares at me and Screams "You... You Did this to Me!!!!" He starts stomping towards me, Marty steps up beside me now he hadn't made one move the whole fight but I feel him there and I'm getting kind of scared I gotta be honest I hit this guy with my very best here the bottle and the hook and he didn't go down but at the same time I'm resolving myself I'm gonna crack him again. Just as he gets close enough Marty makes a little hop step plants his feet and throws a razor straight right cross that plants into the guys other eye and the blood gushes out of his scull like it was a spray bottle and he goes tumbling across the room. Needless to say we got the hell out of there, but while we're leaving someone gets out plates. We decide to go to another bar and keep drinking we buy an 8 Ball of Coke and really tie one on. The Story continues we end up getting tracked down and locked up and held all night in the West Side Headquarters and are Miraculously released.

Let me know if you guys are interested the story continues pretty much on that level of craziness. The guy was an Illinois State Cop.

-Bill